CHS Enacts New Regulations Onto Campus

By Nolan Johnson

Staff Writer

Owing to the large amounts of various rule-breaking and other such shenanigans, CHS Admin has decided to institute many new policies and regulations on the student body, starting with the dress code. People were wearing socks that only covered half of their ankles. In light of this, CHS Admin has decided to enact a new dress code, a more serious one. Say goodbye to all of these frivolous articles of clothing like t-shirts or shorts. Now, every single square inch of skin on your body must be covered up. Now, Admin isn’t completely inconveniencing us, as they will provide a complimentary Christian Unified scarf and pair of gloves given to all students at the next pep rally. They will also be removing t-shirts and shorts from Educational Outfitters and adding more pants and long, long sleeve shirts. Teachers will be monitoring this dress code very closely, and will severely punish miscreants who see themselves above the rules. 

tennis balls
Don’t be like this unlucky person who had his unsuspecting vehicle filled with tennis balls

You may be asking, what are these punishments? Well, I’ll tell you. A first-time misdemeanor will result in Admin personally coming around and confiscating all of your shoes and socks, forcing you to walk around barefoot for a day. Multiple offenses will result in different punishments based on class. Underclassmen will be punished by being forced to walk on their hands and knees all day, where an upperclassmen’s car will be quickly filled with tennis balls. If you don’t have a car, Admin will find something of yours to fill with tennis balls.

Because of the large infestation of Dermatophagoides farinae in the Cafe, the Cafe is now closed to the school. However, to avoid a public outcry, Admin has decided to now let Juniors and Seniors drive wherever they want to for lunch. Admin only has one rule: don’t come back with the cops on your tail. 

There are many delectable places to go, such as famous, incredibly local chains Bojangles or Wawa. Oh, one more caveat: there must be two or more teachers with you at all times, which goes hand-in-hand with the new rule that teachers aren’t allowed to bring lunches to school. Students have complained to admin about the delicious smells coming from teacher’s classrooms during or after lunchtime, so rather than dismiss the random rambling of students, Admin took it to heart and banned teachers from bringing lunches. If a teacher wants lunch, they must leave campus and get it, which conveniently frees up their time from having pesky kids trying to “get help” or such nonsense during lunchtime. 

Some of you may have seen the drug testing dogs around school. Admin has exhibited considerable frustration that no one has been busted by aforesaid dogs, so they have decided to go a different route. They will be implementing new urinals in all of the boys’ bathrooms that will perform an on-the-spot urine test to check for drugs. If you test positive, these new urinals will wirelessly send a call to 911 informing them of underage drug use, and then quickly and silently launch a homing beacon onto your backpack when you turn around, which informs the police right where to find you. Of course, a single police officer could come and get you, but Admin has deemed that “too light.” Rather, a whole SWAT team will be sent, most likely breaking through every possible entryway, maybe even making new ones. You will be swiftly apprehended and detained and taken first to your parents, and then jail. No trial, no jury, just good old fashioned “No Habeas Corpus.” 

Many of you have probably seen the cameras around campus. There has been some mystery around these electronic gadgets, like “Why are they here?”, “Who put them up?”, and “What does a camera do?” All of these are pressing questions that you deserve to have answered. Now, I’m sure that the teachers have told you that there isn’t anyone watching the feed live, but we have learned the truth. There is a full-time employee, watching your every move. He basically looks like every stereotype in your head of a spy sitting at a computer. You know, pasty white, cool(ish) glasses, hyper-smart, and the like. He will make sure that you stay on the straight and narrow. I mean, that is his job. 

I hope this article has opened your eyes to the new rule changes around campus, and hope to not see you walking barefoot or being arrested by cops. Stay out of trouble!