“Be wise with your Pennies”
By Nolan Johnson
Welcome back to Debunk, where we take a serious and scientific approach to disproving other religions of the world. Today, we will be looking at a new, emerging religion known as Centism. Not much is known about this religion, so come with us as we venture down this rabbit-hole into the depths of divinity.
To start, what is Centism? To find out, we interviewed one of the head Founders, Isabella Valdez. She explained that “Centism was founded off of a conversation about pennies. We realized that pennies are the most useless pocket change, and so we decided that pennies deserved their own religion.” It was founded in Pennsylvania (in their hearts,
not actually), which was named after the penny. When asked about their code of conduct, Isa disclosed that “To join Centism, one must purchase an item in the cafe entirely out of pennies.” By the way, go follow them at centism.org_ on Instagram. Anyway, their rules are simple: “You must have a penny, set apart from all others, as a shrine to Abraham Lincoln.” They also explained that “they respect Pennywise because he was wise with his pennies” (I mean, how else would he get that name?). Fun fact, Thomas Jefferson paid for the Louisiana Purchase completely in pennies, and the Civil War ended because of the penny (these are from many shady and unverifiable websites on the Internet, so you know that they’re true). “Abraham Lincoln is our god,” was the only definitive thing I got out of the interview. Other than that, there’s pretty much nothing else about Centism. It’s mostly an unorganized group of youngsters.
Now, if we were following the normal Debunk procedure, I would systematically eliminate all of the major arguments about the aforementioned religion. However, this is pretty easy to Debunk, as, you know, they just follow an inanimate piece of metal. So, in lieu of the normal “Debunking” that goes on here, I’ll just talk about whatever comes to mind. Like, is Christmas music really that bad in times other than Christmastime? I mean, Jesus most likely wasn’t born during winter, so really, we’re actually singing to him in July.
Also, what’s up with all the hype about Chick-Fil-A? Yeah, it’s good and founded on great, Christian morals, but you know what the best place is for chicken? No, not KFC! Raising Cane’s. That place is amazing! Their chicken is tender and perfectly cooked, their sauce is amazing, and their Texas toast is out of this world!
What’s up with all this rain we’ve been having? Like, I love the rain, but usually by now in San Diego, it’s like 70 degrees all the time. I know it’s March, but still. Speaking of March, March Madness has been canceled because of the Coronavirus. It’s quite sad because SDSU was doing phenomenal this year. They were really playing well together, and though I can’t remember seeing any Patrick-style dunks, it was still fun to watch. Our basketball teams were also doing great this year. Both girls and boys basketball went to State after an amazing season.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed our little talk. If you didn’t agree with any of my opinions, sorry, but I’m the one writing this article.